9/22

i’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations for people to know and love me. personally, i love fully and with great detail. i remember the little things, i notice what people don’t tell me, and i feel like showing how well i understand someone is also showing them that i love them.

i have the same expectations for others, and i always find myself a little disappointed. i know the people in my life love me, but getting little details wrong makes me feel like no one will ever care for me the way i care for others.

a good example of this is what i have started to call the peanut butter m&m theory:

i love peanut butter m&ms. they are my favorite candy and have been for years. it’s my go to treat from the gas station/grocery store. it’s what i say when people ask what my favorite candy is. i feel like personally i probably talk about them/eat them so much it should be very well known.

i do not like peanut m&ms. i will not eat them. i will not elaborate.

i have never had someone give me peanut butter m&ms, but over the past few years i have had very significant people in my life give me peanut m&ms. these people include: my two college best friends/roommates of 3 years, my two best friends post college, and a (now ex) boyfriend.

receiving peanut m&ms makes me irrationally sad but i have never told a single soul or corrected them. maybe i should just do that, but i just want people to know the right candy without me having to tell them. i know these people all care/cared about me deeply and in a way peanut m&ms kind of show they know me. i just know with absolute certainty that if my friend/partner exclusively ate one kind of m&m i would know that. it hurts because i don’t feel fully seen i suppose.

what i have been pondering upon in relation to this:

1. is the simple act of showing me they are thinking about me enough? does it really matter if they pick the m&ms that are close enough but not the ones i like?

2. is it unreasonable and unrealistic of me to think i will find someone who loves the same way i do? can i even measure love in that way?

3. can love even be measured?

4. SHOULD love even be measured?

5. is it really that hard to remember that it’s peanut butter m&ms and not peanut?