10/9

last night, i had a craving for fettuccine alfredo but i didn’t want to eat that many calories so i made protein pasta with lower calorie “alfredo sauce”. it was okay, but was definitely not as good as the real thing.

i had such a strange experience while i was eating. i turned on “the good place” to watch while i ate and michael said something so insanely relative to my situation i felt as if it were a sign:

“there’s something so human about taking something great and ruining it a little so you can have more of it”

i’ve been on a weight loss journey that, honestly, is borderline eating disorder territory. i’m convinced that i will eat normal again once i am “skinny”, which i recognize is a very unhealthy mindset. this quote made me think about how much i ruin food to minimize guilt and it made me feel very sad. i thought about my child/teenage self and how terrible it would be to explain to her the way i eat.

i used to be such an advocate against diet culture because growing up i was constantly watching my mom go on and off different diets. i would watch her make different meals for herself and hear her talk about how she “can’t” eat certain things and i always thought that was so depressing. although i am not on a specific “diet”, i am so deeply ingrained in that mindset now that i know i would be disappointing my old self.

although i recognize all of this, i will unfortunately keep eating the slightly ruined versions of food until i like the number i see on the scale. i’m scared that once i see the number i have deemed my goal, i will continue to push it further. it’s weird being on a path that you know is bad, but knowingly continuing down it regardless.