11/22

sometimes i exhibit signs of ocd but then im like “i don’t actually think that im just making myself think that because i want to have ocd for attention” despite telling no one about what im feeling so how could it be for attention. experienced this last night when i drove home after having 1 drink 4 hours beforehand. i convinced myself i actually was too drunk to drive (false) and that i must have hit something or someone but didnt realize it because i was drunk. inspected my car and there was no damage.

11/21

does anyone else absolutely obliterate their gums with gloss? it hurts so good and idk how to stop myself from like SAWING those bad boys with a floss stick…

i think part of it comes from the fact that i do not floss enough. i know this is bad. but when i finally do floss my gums get so inflamed and i just wanna poke them so much more. i once told a dental hygienist i had a hard time flossing because my teeth are so close together and ill literally break floss sticks trying to get them between my molars. she was like girl… and then started flossing my teeth and was like ok yeah this is hard.

11/17

had an extremely hard time getting out of bed this morning. seasonal (let’s me honest, general) depression is creeping up on me yet again. i feel as if i am attempting to outrun a monster who is just slightly faster than me. i know there is no way to avoid it but i can prolong my freedom from its grasp a bit longer.

i think weed will help with this ???

also, today at work i made an anti trump comment in front of coworkers who are trump supporters. #oops that was a #airball and now i know they think i’m an annoying ass bisexual liberal. don’t let witness me driving. i cannot further any more stereotypes.

all i know is mcdonalds, charge my phone phone, twerk, be bisexual, eat hot chip and lie fr

11/16

thinking about this quote from laura mcbride’s we are called to rise:

“it all matters. that someone turns out the lamp, picks up the windblown wrapper, says hello to the invalid, pays at the unattended lot, listens to the repeated tale, folds the abandoned laundry, plays the game fairly, tells the story honestly, acknowledges help, gives credit, says good night, resists temptation, wipes the counter, waits at the yellow, makes the bed, tips the maid, remembers the illness, congratulates the victor, accepts the consequences, takes a stand, steps up, offers a hand, goes first, goes last, chooses the small portion, teaches the child, tends to the dying, comforts the grieving, removes the splinter, wipes the tear, directs the lost, touches the lonely, is the whole thing.

what is most beautiful, is least acknowledged.

what is worth dying for is barely noticed.”

11/13

my self reflection for the week has been on how to stop being upset and jealous when people have good parents or were raised in a healthy household.

i was talking to one of my friends who was very well off in childhood, both emotionally and physically. i asked them if they could change one thing about the way they were raised, what would it be? they thought for a long while and finally came up with their answer. they said the only thing they could think of what that they wish they were better at math.

i asked them if they felt like their life would have been any different now if they were better at math and they said “no, but i would have gotten grounded less for having a bad math grade”

the concept of looking back on your childhood, struggling to identify something that you wish had been different, and only being able to pull a trivial thing that only relates to who you were as a child and not the environment you were in is unfathomable to me.

at the same time, i recognize that that is how it SHOULD be. i should be so happy that my friend got to grow up in a home without struggle. a home with a loving family that felt safe. instead of my instinct being to feel happy for them, i just thought about how i wish i could relate.

now, fellow flounderers, i would like to disclose that my childhood was definitely not terrible by any means. i recognize that so many people had it way worse than me. i feel weird complaining about it when at the same time i know others most likely feel similarly to me as i feel about the aforementioned friend.

still, if you were to ask me what i would have changed about my childhood if i could, my answer would be a lot sadder than being a kid who was bad at math.

11/10

have recently been considering purchasing barrel jeans which is ironic because i was an active hater of them for so long. also love that i am able to change my opinion and not feel an internal pressure or guilt about not being right about something the first time. i know feeling this way about something so minuscule as pants is weird but its small moments like this where i realize progress has been made.

it’s okay to believe one thing and change your mind about it! no one will be mad at you! no one thinks about you and much as you think about you!

thrifted some china thai weekend and had a friend mention that i should test it for lead. this has never occurred to me. i am now scared and have to test all my dishes at home because i love thrifting dishware.

psa to all flounderers: test old shit for lead!

11/8

shaping up to be a lovely weekend. i’ve been really focused on romanticizing my life and enjoying being single. i realized pretty much up until this point of my life dating and relationships have been the center of my universe. i must have been so annoying to be around because i feel like all the stories i would tell would just be about going on dates/whomever i was in a relationship with. starting to put in work to be my own person!

it’s funny because i also used to think i was already my own person and i would go out and do things quite often. i feel like part of me always felt like whatever i was doing, i was also searching for someone to date. i wasn’t going to a coffee shop because i enjoyed it, i was going because i enjoyed it AND i might meet someone. consciously doing things solely for me has been refreshing

11/6

i’ve been in such a good music discovery phase lately. i love spotify. i’ve literally added over 100 songs to my liked songs over the past few days. i put on one song i fuck with and it just keeps putting on bangers. there has not been a single skip. i forget to open my phone every few minutes to like the song im listening to. music is the greatest thing to happen to the world i think

also….

my boss said the phrase “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” yesterday and i was like i’ve never actually heard a person say that like i know it’s a phrase but it’s not something i actually hear, ya know?

then i was watching a show last night and they said that phrase!!! life is so funny

11/3

if you don’t go through an identity crisis every few years i fear you are not fully living!!! life is about learning, growing, and changing.

i hope every 5-10 years i look in the mirror and recognize how different i am from the person who stood in front of it years ago.

i also hope i never look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself in a negative connotation ever again. that happened to me about a year ago and holy fuck was it hard to fix. realizing you’ve lost yourself in another person and that you are a fragile shell of a human is such a sad and humbling experience.

overall, i think you should always be you but always evolving into a different, better version of you

11/2

quote i found and have been pondering/spiraling about as i have a relaxing day recovering from an intense halloweekend:

“i can forgive that you didn’t know how to love me, but i can’t forget that you didn’t even want to learn how”